Therapist-fu

Earlier today, VT and I were discussing the fact that it seems to be National Relationship Drama Week. Though VT and I both have strong therapist-fu, she's had more practice and consequently has these conversations down to a science:

She: . . . i have just had a METRIC FUCK-TON of practice with this
She: sometimes i catch myself thinking, 'hmmm... it's been 17 minutes. we ought to be hitting the 'i just don't know what he's thinking' point of the conversation... oh, yeah, there we go.'
Me: That's both awful and brilliant
She: 'minute 48... ooh, i'm overdue to say DTMFA. better work that in.'
She: and i mouth, 'but you don't know what they're like!' as they say it, or type it.
She: 'yeah, of course i don't know him as well as you do.' [thank all the gods]
She: when they say, 'i just have this feeling that we're somehow supposed to be in each other's lives!' i start waiting until the word 'destiny' comes up.
She: or 'karma.'
She: i ought to make a bingo chart.

She: . . .and then there's the Not Quite Ready To Break Up With Them conversation.
She: which also has its own pattern:

them: Snugglewumpkins is the most horrible person ever!
me: DTMFA.
them: i hate how they treat me like crap!
me: DTMFA.
them: they never do X, or Y, or Z, and i wish they'd stop doing Q.
me: DTMFA.
them: lots of tearful reminiscing about how it used to be good, and wondering what changed.
me, checking the clock: look, you can either go to a couples therapist and work it out, or leave them.
them: oh, it's not that bad.
me: sigh.

She: then it's time for Son of Not Quite Ready To Break Up With Them.

them: i just don't know what i should do!
me: DTMFA.
them: but i love them!
me: news flash -- they don't love you. DTMFA.
them: they're not that bad!
me: okay, look. if 'not that bad' means they lie to you, ignore you, cheat on you, manipulate you, and make you spend time wondering what they're thinking and crying a lot? they're that bad. DTMFA.
them: don't tell me what to do! *stomps off*
me: sigh.

Me: You have the patience of a saint.
She: depending on the person, you can go through: Grandson of Not Quite Ready To Break Up With Them; Second Cousin of Not Quite Ready To Break Up With Them; I Might Almost Be Ready To Break Up With Them;
She: No, Really, I Will Break Up With Them
She: Oh, Shit, I Was Going to Break Up With Them But Then We Had Sex
She: Okay, For Real This Time
She: Not Quite Ready To Break Up With Them, I Know, I Know
She: and HOLY CRAP THEY BROKE UP WITH ME!
She: HOW!?!
She: WHY?!!!
She: and then *those* conversations run like this:

them: they were horrible!
me: yep.
them: they were evil! they lied to me! ignored me! cheated on me! manipulated me! i spent all this time wondering what they were thinking! why did i waste all that time and energy on them?!
me: uh, yeah.
them: why didn't you SAY something?
me: come here and run your head into my fist, won't you?

She: time passes
She: and then, a couple of months later...
She: them: i met someone!
She: AUUUGGGGHHH

I was laughing out loud at my desk as this conversation unfolded; I'm pretty sure my co-workers think I've finally cracked.

Comments

[Keith]

So I'm a little ignorant here... what's DTMFA mean?

[Adri]

Who is this brilliant woman and why don't I know her yet?

[VT]

DTMFA -- Dump The Mother F*cker Already.