Balance

Today I went to lunch with a friend who is struggling against the confines of her cubicle-based job; I counseled her earnestly to find the balance in her life, to embrace the fact that life cannot be lived in sixteen square feet.

The irony was not lost on me, therefore, when my boss caught me just as I was walking out the door tonight and made me stay and take care of some inconsequential things that really could have waited until tomorrow morning. He made me stay just long enough to keep me from having enough time to drive home and change before seeing Out From Underneath at the Roxy, so I'm still at the office... sitting at my desk, pondering the nature of balance. (And being very annoyed that I have to go see the boys in my grubby work clothes, rather than the cute outfit I had planned. Grr.)

I didn't realize quite how burned out I was on my job until I took some time off over the holidays. I didn't do anything spectacular, even my trip to Seattle was spent largely catching up with Boy 2 & the Rockstar while getting my ass kicked at Guitar Hero, but the simple act of being not at work was wonderfully liberating. I spend so much time trying to fit my life around my job that I almost didn't know what to do with myself without that obstacle. I could just... live! Sleep, eat, read a book, run an errand, walk around downtown Seattle with no particular destination in mind, whatever... there was no schedule, no need to try to cram the important things in around the thing that pays the bills.

That's just completely twisted, isn't it? Trying to fit your life around your job? It's completely backwards. I mean, I think we can all agree that no one is ever going to reach their deathbed and find themselves wishing they'd spent more time at work.

I recently said to someone that although I like my job, I don't love it and one of my biggest fears is that I will allow myself to continue to do it simply because I'm good at it and someone will pay me to do it. Tonight, when I forfeited training to do something that I knew wasn't imperative, just to make my boss happy and "keep my job," I heard the first few pebbles slide down that slippery slope. I was instantly furious - both at my boss for making me stay to appease his own misplaced panic, and at myself for letting him do it.

That anger got me wondering: How do I keep the balance in my life? And more importantly, do I even need balance? Maybe the whole idea of "balance" is just a load of crap and striving to stuff my life around my job isn't much of a goal at all. Why settle for half a life? Maybe what I need to do is take a page from a friend's book, chuck my present circumstance, and go and do that thing that makes my heart sing even when it's frustrating me beyond belief.

Leap and the net will appear.

Of course, I still need to pay the bills. That very concrete consideration always pulls me back down out of my chuck-it-all fantasies and into the real world, where the bill collectors do not care how loudly your heart sings unless it is being paid to do so.

So what's the answer? I don't know yet, but I'm working on it. Right now the answer is to shut down my computer, head to the Roxy, and watch my boys rock the place off its foundations.

It's a start, anyway.

Comments

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I have always believed that your "work" should be your passion and thus much less "work" than life.

I understand the struggle to find that balance though when those bills come flying in. I have almost sold myself out several times in the past three years or so. Fortunately I still remember 10 years ago when I said goodbye to "work" and chose to follow my passion.

It isn't easy. It is however, satisfying and rewarding and I think healthy.

I believe you will find your balance as long as you refuse to give up looking. For the sake of your soul, never stop seeking!

*hugs*